either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
