My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
