Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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