Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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