our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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