I'm laying in your front yard are you home
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
