I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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