Apparently you make a good broom.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
