The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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