I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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