batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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