It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
