I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
