Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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