This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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