I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
