you traded sex for a burrito?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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