If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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