If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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