i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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