I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
