Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
