Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
