Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
