When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
