I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
