Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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