There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
