It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
