shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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