I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
