Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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