Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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