Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
