i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
