Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
