I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
