Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
