The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
