just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
