I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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