Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
