I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
