my mouth tastes like poor choices
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
