im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
