After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
