A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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