Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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