I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
