He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
